“Olmert said what”- The Eavesdropped Chronicles
In case you missed the big news: former Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has once again made the news, and it’s not because he is now too bald for a comb over (you would think that would at least make it to page six).
No, this time it’s about his close aide, Shula Zaken, that eavesdropped on his phone calls during his term as minister of industry, trade and labor (under then Prime Minister Ariel Sharon). How exactly was this plan masterminded? Well when Olmert was on the phone she would touch her ear to indicate to the secretaries to start eavesdropping and taking notes. Or if she couldn’t get her ear touch on she simply drew a circle on her notebook to cue the girls in. Not really creative but it did work.
However while we the public could only imagine the kind of juicy gossip and incriminating information Zaken must have about Olmert (not to mention the other side of the conversations which include Ariel Sharon and Bibi Netanyahu), she claims she can’t remember what the conversations were about. Of course I don’t believe that this info has been lost both in mental notes and the physical ones tucked away in her notebook, I’ve decided to guess what some of the conversations were about.
“Olmer said what”- The Eavesdropped Chronicles as guessed by Molly
- Olmert talks about his frustration with his comb over. The hairs are getting fewer and his hairstylist refuses to work with the thinning pieces. He’s pissed and venting his frustration to anyone that will listen.
- Olmert talks about his house that he plans to buy for a $1. Like any cheap-Jew he goes on and on about the bargain he’s getting and begs the listener to go with him to the $1 and furnish the house with him.
- Olmert plans another trip to the US quoting prices for the same flights in order to scam rich donors out of their money. The conversations sound almost exactly the same but just have different people’s name in it.
- Olmert talks to Sharon about becoming the then Prime Minister’s #2 (not the toilet kind) when forming the new party Kadima. They plan their announcement and Olmert suggests that with the new change maybe Sharon should lose a few pounds to really give the makeover of politics a new face. Sharon hangs up in anger. Olmert calls back begging for forgiveness, offering Sharon a back massage once a day for the next year. Sharon giggles but accepts.
- Olmert calls his daughter to check if she’s still a lesbian. She is and he asks if they are still on for their girls’ night marathon watching L-word.
- Olmert buys a toupee.
- Olmert buys another toupee.
- Olmert calls Sharon to ask him to come over and look at his toupees.
- Olmert and Sharon fight about his ugly toupees.
- Olmert calls his hairstylist.
What did I miss? Tell me what other conversations should be on this list. If Zaken can’t remember then it is our job to jog her memory.
The Big Felafel’s Guide to Passover Entertainment and Activities in Israel 2010
Lots of exciting Pre-Pesach and Pesach activities in Israel this year from art fairs to hippie festivals! If you have more to add, please leave a comment below.
Dancing Camel Pre-Pesach Giant Keg Party
March 25, 2010
Known for their creative beer flavors like Cherry Vanilla Stout and clever beer names like Goliath and Beelzebub, Dancing Camel is hosting a pre-Pesach Party with one entrance fee that lets you taste all the beers to your heart (liver?)’s content.
Doors Open at 20:00 Sharp!
Cost: 75 NIS enter, Reserve your tickets in advance click here to order tickets
Location: Hataasiya 12 (corner Hamasger) Tel Aviv. Tel: 03-624-2783
Osim Seder: A unique pre-Pesach crafts fair
March 26, 2010
Pesach crafts fair shopping extravaganza including recycled lamps, jewelry and fashion accessories, candlesticks, plants, kitchen and house items. There will also be huge second hand clothing swap! Feel free to bring your clothes to swap.
Location: Merkaz Hamagshimim Hadassah Beit Ar-El, 8 Gad St, Baka, Jerusalem.
10am-1pm
Free Entrance.
For more information Deena 02-6722405*114www.themerkaz.org
Stage One- Amateur English Theater Festival
March 31 to April 2 2010
This Passover, Beit Avi Chai in collaboration with Merkaz Hamagshimim Hadassah will spotlight the finest English-language drama, music, comedy, opera, and more that Jerusalem has to offer.
If you can only make it to one event, make sure to come to Hahafuch’s hilarious improv comedy show on April 1, 2010 at 9pm!
More info
Bezalel Street Arts and Crafts Fair
March 31 – April 2, 2010
Artists show off their crafts, jewelry, photography and more at this funky street festival.
10am to 3pm
Shatz St., downtown Jerusalem
Free Entrance
Ahava Festival at the Dead Sea
April 1, 2010, April 3, 2010
The annual Dead Sea festival featuring big name Israeli singers such as Natasha and friends, Barry Sakharof, Ivri Lider, and more.
More info
Zorba Buddha Festival in the Negev
April 1 – 4, 2010
This is an hippie-esque festival where you camp out and can partake in meditation and spirituality workshops, yoga, dance and theater workshops, djs, and performances by Mercedez Bend, Avraham Tal, and more.
Cost: 319 NIS
More info
Boombamela Festival at Nitzanim Beach
April 1-3, 2010
Celebrating its 12th year, Booombamela is another camp-out, hippie-type festival with big name music performers such as Geva Alon, Hatikva 6, and more.
The festival offers various workshops and entertainment such as street theater, body painting, interactive art, pottery, holistic and meditation workshops, and more.
Cost: 195 NIS
More info
Cherry Blossom Festival in the Golan
March 26 – April 10, 2010
Acitivites for the whole family including: Horse rides, origami workshops, kite building, Japanese makeup, Japanese food and drink.
Free Entrance
More info
Eco Social Awareness Festival: The World is in your Hands, Rishon Letzion
April 1-2, 2010
Festival featuring art and activities to raise awareness about the environment such as Noah’s ark made out of plastic bottles, and more.
Free Entrance
More info
For more fun ideas for Passover activities in Israel
- Achbar Ha’ir Guide to Pesach – Huge and complete listing of activities around Israel (in Hebrew)
- Fun in Jerusalem for kids activities in Jerusalem
- Jerusalem Blueprint for a listing of activities around Israel geared toward people in their 20’s -40’s
- Jerusalem.com for a guide to events in Jerusalem
[Matzah Kippah Photo from Flickr: Daniel Greene]
Israel and the US: Fake Friends…Dude Accept it!
Why is the US making such a big deal out of last week’s declaration to build more homes in Jerusalem? Is it because it embarrassed Vice President Biden during his trip in Israel? I mean dude get over it. No, what I believe we have here is more likely a case of Fake Friends.
Here’s all I’m saying: I have friends that I really like and friends that are in my circle but I’m not so close to. If my ‘fake friend’ in the circle does something that annoys me then it drives me crazy. I can’t stop thinking about it, it changes the whole way I look at the person and makes me want to push them further out of my circle. But if a good friend did the same thing that annoyed me, I really wouldn’t care or make a big deal out of it. They are a good friend and I know them so it really doesn’t affect me and we move on.
Let’s cut the crap and call Israel and the US what they really are: Fake Friends. The US is always bashing Israel for making minor mistakes and even when we admit to the mistake, try to fix the mistake and move on there seems to be an endless amount of repercussions even leading to Israel’s ambassador to the US, Michael Oren stating that our relations are the worst in 35 years. This sounds like a case of fake friends and not just bad relations.
Case in point: Hey didn’t the Palestinians just fire kassam rockets into Israel this past week? Why yes they did. And where was the US- were they condemning their actions and telling them how this destroys any chance for peace and the process? Well I certainly didn’t read about it in the news and it hasn’t been coming out of Hilary Clinton’s mouth or Obama’s so I’m guessing they’re ok with it.
And that is because the US is playing favorites in their friend circle. I get it and it’s clear, Israel is a fake friend. You don’t want us to prosper, you don’t want us to build homes and you get us in trouble for doing the most minor of mistakes while the other side has blatantly begun violent attacks from kassam rockets to rioting in the Old City, a classic beginning-of-the-Intifada move.
I think good relations or bad relations, what does it really matter? As a fake friend you will always remain inside the circle and when you are needed then you edge closer to the juicy middle where you are appreciated but just know you will always do something to piss off your fake friend and end up on the outskirts again. That’s not diplomacy it’s just obvious.
If Israel and the US were Facebook friends, then we would need to create a status called fake friends (to tell you the truth this should already be an option since I clearly have ‘friends’ that I never talk to, like ever).
Israel needs to accept this status and go with it. Let’s focus on our better friends, the ones that like us, even if they are few and far a part (and I can’t think of any right now). Let’s hang out with them, have slumber parties, girl talk, bake and roast marshmallows. And as for the US let’s keep our distance, and continue to build homes for our people, protect our children and enjoy the fruits of our country’s success. Cause if we don’t, no one will.
The Big Felafel 
